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July 20, 2009

Letting Go of Your Past: Chapter 2: You Are Not Your Parents' Father or Mother

Letting Go of Your Past, a book by John & Paula Sanford, is part of the curriculum of the Elijah House Basic I training course which Elisabeth and I took in 2008. This is a book summary where each blog post will summarize a chapter.

Parental Inversion and Substitute Mate

When a parent is immature, incapable or unavailable, a child may sometimes take responsibility for that parent, sacrificing their childhood in order to fulfill the role of the errant parent. This is called parental inversion. Sometimes the parent is not only MIA (missing in action) as a parent but also as a spouse. The other parent may end up relying on a child as a substitute mate.

Situations when parental inversion and substitute mate can occur:

a parent dies or is frequently away from the home
parents fight a lot at home
a parent is unavailable or unreliable due to alcoholism, gambling, physical problem or mental illness
weak or broken parent uses child as a comforter or confidant
parent who never receive love from his parents manipulate their children with guilt to give them love and gratitutde
parents take children's misbehavior as a personal affront and so pout, act hurt, demand comfort from the child or use silent treatment
parents insecurity demands that that the child affirms the parent's self-esteem
sensitive, burden-bearing child senses a parent's pain and comes to their rescue

Both parental inversion and substitute mate rob a person of his childhood and leave the child with baggage they take with them into adulthood. The child is not given the opportunity to be a child. Due to the external pressures of fear, the child is forced to exercise self-control to get chores done, take care of siblings, make money for the family or provide emotional stability for other family members. These children shoulder the burden which the parent should have carried. This leaves the child without an opportunity to be carefree, enjoy a little disorder and learn naturally and internally from foolish mistakes.

Some problems in adults that have suffered from parental inversion:

inability to rest, even at home or while on vacation ... always needing to solve other's problems
compulsive peacemaking
overwork, over-achievement
the "noble martyr" syndrome - always doing things yourself because you are not able able to trust others to do things "right" ... an unconscious insult to others around you
unable to relate properly with their spouse later on in life as an adult

Why would a child suffer for being helpful? After all they were just picking up the slack left by a parent? The Sanfords say that disrespect for the failing parent is the root cause of sin in the case of parental inversion and that it is pretty much impossible to grow up as a chid without passing judgment in some way against your parents. And for doing so, you'll be judged with the same measure that you judged your parents. So the first step toward wholeness is to repent for judging your parents and for also possibly usurping your parent's role.

Parental inversion and substitute mate are not just attitudes; they are habit structures. Repentance and prayer will start the healing process, but accountability from friends and family may be required to help break deeply ingrained behavior patterns.

Reactions

As new parents going through the difficulties of learning patience while dealing with incessant demands of raising a young child, my wife and I have a new-found respect for our parents. This chapter is a good warning and reminder of three often-taught virtue of Christian life.

It is important it is for me to continue to nurture my relationship with my wife. We are often taught in church and in marriage classes that the relationship between a husband and wife is the most important relationship in the family ... that it serves as the foundation for wholeness in children. There is a big emphasis for husbands and wives to find a way to have weekly dates, take time to communicate and continue the romance. Even the Bible specifically commands husbands to love their wives. After reading this chapter, now I know why. Beyond the fact that is feels great to be in love with my wife, it is crucial for the children. As a father, it is my responsibility, as far as I am able, to provide a stable and nurturing home environment in which my children can grow up. I must be a loving husband to my wife or else she may find it necessary to find comfort and emotional support from our children (substitute mate) or worse, outside the family (adultery). I wonder how much grief in the history of humanity can be traced back to the root cause of husbands not loving their wives?

I must be home often and available to be a parent to my children. In this day and age where people can largely determine their own futures by the choices they make, barring severe illness or death, I can likely choose a career path that will allow me to be home and available most of the time. As a man, I struggle with overworking myself in order to provide for the family. My mind is frequently consumed with my business. I need to put my eyes back on the Lord and put my trust in God for our provision. Then I'll be able to make wise choices of how I split my time between work and family.

My wife and I must be mature in Christ and emotionally stable in order not to project insecurities to our children. I think this is a great argument for waiting until you're "ready" before dating or getting married. Parenthood is a great responsibility and people, as far as they are able, are wise to wait until they are mature and whole before they start dating and get married. People often say getting married makes you feel like an adult but having kids makes you really grow up. It's true. But how much better it is to start marriage and parenthood with a good baseline maturity in Christ. In any case, becoming mature in the Lord in order not to taint my children is one of many good reasons to continue seeking the Lord daily through Bible study, prayer, worship and spending time with God. In doing so, I will grow more like Him in patience, kindness, peace, love and joy.

This chapter serves as a good warning for me of how important it is to keep on (1) loving my wife, (2) being an available father and (3) doing my devotions daily. The consequence for not doing so may be to doom my children to parental inversion or substitute mate, and all the baggage into adulthood that goes along with them. I've heard it said that a wise leader prevents problems rather than put out fires. It would be wise for me not to neglect these three virtues now in order to prevent problems from happening later.

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July 18, 2009

Letting Go of Your Past: Chapter 1: Growing Up Again -- In Christ

Letting Go of Your Past, a book by John & Paula Sanford, is part of the curriculum of the Elijah House Basic I training course which Elisabeth and I took in 2008. This is a book summary where each blog post will summarize a chapter.

Spiritual Parenting

If you are in the red, it's great to get out of debt. But its even better to be in the black. It's not enough just to go from negative to zero. Who wants to stay a big fat zero ... i.e. broke? In the same way, once the lost are found, they need to be brought into the vibrant life that God originally intended for them. Finding faith in Christ is a rebirth. And, as such, the church needs to be the nurturing environment of a loving, spiritual family for the newborn believers. In this spiritual family, there is a great need for spiritual fathers and mothers.

Not everyone needs spiritual parenting. But for those who do, it is nothing to be ashamed of. They just need the love and special affirmation that only a parent can give -- which they probably never received -- in order to grow and mature in Christ. The Sanfords, at one time, were wary when people they ministered to seemed to latch onto them, in what they thought was in an unhealthy way. They found that the more they avoided these people, the more they drained them. Then the Lord spoke to them that what those people desired was not inappropriate; they just needed the wholesome love of a parent which they had never received. If the Sanfords would open themselves up and give all of themselves, they will be satisfied and not drain the Sanfords anymore. Once understanding that this was of God, they opened their hearts to those people and prayed aloud to the people to whom they were ministering:

Insofar as [the person needing ministry] needs a father and mother to bring them to life, and will accept us as parents in Christ, we will be that, dear Lord. We will carry [name of person] in our hearts and let You love him [or her] to life.

Every person is unique, with a different background, personality and time-table. You can't spiritual parent every person the same way. No one should get awards for maturing quickly or be criticized for maturing slowly. Being a spiritual parent involved carrying him or her in your heart. The Sanfords talk about feeling their spiritual child's loneliness, fear, insecurity, anger, doubt or oppression. A kind of identification occurs.

Spiritual parents should:

have a stable home life
not be a recent convert (1 Timothy 3:4-6)
still have time to take care of their own natural children
make sure the prospective spiritual son/daughter really wants healing and growth

Make sure your prospective spiritual parent:

has a good relationship with his/her children
has children (if any) that are well-behaved
is mature in the Lord

The typical spiritual parent-child relationship lasts two to three years.

Although people married with children have a natural head-start in prayer ministry, a single person should not feel disqualified or second-class in becoming a spiritual parent.

Spiritual parenting targets:

offer simple love and acceptance
coach them to let go of childish things
- minister to the to the not-yet-matured parts of their heart
- respect person as an adult
discern when and when not to coach
disciple person to cherish the Lord Jesus, trust God, study the Bible, attend church, engage in ministry and seek the Lord with zeal

When to say nothing and stand by

The most fascinating part of this chapter describes how to the spiritual parent needs to be able to discern when the spiritual child is going through the "dark night of the soul" or a "wilderness experience". It can be terrifying when one finally confronts the "beast" concealed within his inner depths. Some choose to flee; others continue the battle. If the "child" is struggling with the temptation to escape and bury his head in the sand, the "parent" needs to pray strength into their spiritual child and tactfully confront him. When the "child" moves forward, he may become broken/shattered. But this is not a time for the "parent" to shower the spiritual child with comfort, counsel or criticism. It is time for the spiritual parent to simply stand by ... stand by in prayer, saying nothing, watching over the spiritual child with a calm presence. The child is in a private desert and like a moth in a chrysalis, the struggle must be alone. The spiritual parent should stand by, quietly believing when the child has no strength to believe himself. If the spiritual parent imparts strength at this time it will only postpone the spiritual child's maturity. This is the working out of Galatians 6:2-5 in which one should carry one another's burdens but that each one should carry his own load.

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July 15, 2009

My Wallet Returned by an Honest Man

On Monday morning around 6:30 am, I strapped Noah into the ergo and took a walk out to Watanabe Bakery to get a fresh loaf of bread and 99 cent day-old anpan.

It wasn't until the next morning that I realized that my wallet was missing. Elisabeth drove us back to Watanabe Bakery but they hadn't had a lost wallet reported. No recent charges had been made on the credit cards. We searched and searched the apartment. No wallet.

I spent Tuesday morning working at a café. On my walk home, I thought about Bill Johnson's story about the guy who lost his knife and said to God, "I want my knife back." Just then, his knife fell down in front of him. So I told God, "I want my wallet back."

I haven't been in a very good mood lately. With my business, I often feel like I'm trying fill an ocean with a bucket. There's a proverb that says that hope deferred makes the heart sick. And that's been me for many years. It comes and goes but lately I've felt very discouraged. So losing my wallet was just one more challenge. I was afraid of identity theft and worried about having to replace my credit cards. Just yesterday, when I went running I was thinking about how worried I have been lately and asked God to help me trust Him. I thought about the verse that says that without faith we cannot please God. "God, give me faith to trust You."

This morning, just after 6 am, I had a missed call on my cell phone with two text messages to call a certain phone number. I wondered who would call so early and not even leave a voicemail. I called the number. A man named Stefan answered and said he had my wallet! He had found it Monday morning and had been trying to reach me. Later it dawned on me that he had called and left a message for me on Monday afternoon, but I didn't recognize him so I didn't call him back ... I had planned to but since I was in such a bad mood, I'd been putting it off until I felt happier. At the time, I didn't realize I had lost my wallet.

Stefan passes by Watanabe Bakery on his way to work in the mornings so we arranged to meet there this morning. Noah and I walked out to meet him. He said that he had found the wallet by the fence and because I was unlisted he went through the wallet to find information about me. When he got home, he told his family that he had found a wallet. His kids asked him how much money was in it. "Why do you ask how much money was in there?" he demanded from his kids. "About fifty dollars," he replied. "But I spent it," he told them. His wife knew he was just joking. "Thank God that there are honest people in the world," I told Stefan. He told me that he had found a mustard seed card in my wallet.

I'm so thankful for Stefan. What an honest man. He is living out a great example for his children to follow as they grow up. He must have looked me up in the phone book. He called and left me a message. He then called again at least two more times before I finally called back. And he willing drove to meet me to return the wallet to me. When I got the wallet back, everything was in it just as I had left it. I gave him some money out of the wallet as a thank-you. He said that he would treat his kids to yogurt.

God thank You so much for looking out for me and my family. I've been having difficulty trusting You and just the morning after I had asked You for the grace to trust You, my wallet is back! You are a good God! Thank You so much. And please bless Stefan, his wife and their children. Thank You for Stefan's good heart. Would You protect that family and pour out Your blessing upon them? Keep them safe from harm and let them come into Your family, if they aren't yet, and be filled to overflowing with blessing. Increase my faith in You, God, even to the size of a mustard seed. I know that without faith it is impossible to please God. But I do want very much to please You. In Jesus' name, amen.

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July 13, 2009

Letting Go of Your Past: Introduction

Letting Go of Your Past, a book by John & Paula Sanford, is part of the curriculum of the Elijah House Basic I training course which Elisabeth and I took last summer at our church, Living Streams Christian Fellowship. I'm finally getting around to reading the book. This is a book summary where every blog post will summarize a chapter.

Introduction

Since the Industrial Revolution fathers have been less available to father their children. They were no longer near the home, working on the farm, available to parent children. Instead they went out to factories to work. In the modern world of two-income homes, it is rare even for the mother to be home to parent the children. Much of the parenting of the last few generations has been abdicated to the school system. As a result, people enter into marriage and parenthood without having been properly prepared and trained for it by their own parents. Training people to become effective spouses and parents is absolutely vital. The family unit is, after all, the basic building block of society. Doctors, attorneys and even athletes go through extensive training and exams before being certified to practice or play their profession. Preparation for marriage and parenthood is equally important. The purpose of this book is to help people to let go of the habits, hurts and attitudes they developed in their past lives, ostensibly as children, due to a lack of effective parenting. The book aims to teach people to apply the blood, cross and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ those wounds of the heart, bringing about healing and change through true repentance.

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July 8, 2009

The Purity Principle by Randy Alcorn

via amazon.com

This quick read injects a healthy dose of fear regarding the nauseating consequences of sexual impurity. Some take-aways:

"Purity is always smart; impurity is always stupid." Obedience doesn't make you holy, it shows you are wise.

Jesus equates leering with adultery. So we have to steer way clear of any possible opportunities for lust to tempt us: television shows, commercials, movies, newspaper inserts, websites, magazines, etc. Anything that might cause you to sin should be cut out. If you think that's drastic and extreme, Randy says that's nothing compared to what Jesus said to do which was to gouge out your eye or cut off your hand if it causes you to sin.

Once sources of temptation are removed, you should fill your mind with pure thoughts by spending time with God in scripture, prayer and worship. Accountability with trusted friends or spouse is important.

One good idea to try from Randy: whenever you are tempted, close your eyes and picture a large, sharp, barbed hook attached to a fishing line. Don't bite or you'll get caught.

Two prayers for married men:

Lord, kill me before I ever commit adultery and betray my wife.
Lord, make my wife the hottest, sexiest woman on the planet to me.

Randy admonishes believers in Christ to walk daily with the Lord, trusting in Him for strength to have victory, to not despair but have hope in God, to guard our hearts and keep covenant with our eyes, by the grace of God.

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July 7, 2009

Honolulu Boy Choir in the 1982 Easter Seals Telethon

via vimeo.com

I don't remember the actual filming of this. We did tons of concerts and lots of special events. Sometimes I wondered why I wasn't paid! My parents chauffeured us to countless rehearsals and concerts. The Honolulu Boy Choir was a really awesome experience and I'm grateful for it. Sometimes I still hear the boy choir Christmas recordings being played at Ala Moana Center during Christmas time. I do remember going into the studio to record those. I was supposed to sing the solo part to White Christmas. But on the day of the recording, I had a sore throat. So the solo went to Wesley Ogata. I still remember his name! He beated me out of a bit part on a Magnum P.I. episode as well. The fifth grade was a blast!

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July 4, 2009

PC Invader Costs Ky. County $415,000

Cyber criminals based in Ukraine stole $415,000 from the coffers of Bullitt County, Kentucky this week. The crooks were aided by more than two dozen co-conspirators in the United States, as well as a strain of malicious software capable of defeating online security measures put in place by many banks.

via voices.washingtonpost.com

Fascinating story of how hackers used a trojan virus plus unsuspecting money mules in a sophisticated scam to steal almost half a million dollars electronically. Banks should issue USB dongles that require its presence in the computer system, in conjunction with a user-entered passphrase, when making a transaction. While someone could physically steal the dongle, at least it would circumvent the vast majority of attacks from overseas.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dongle

Bullitt County should hire Michael, Fiona and Sam to scam these scammers into justice. http://www.usanetwork.com/series/burnnotice/

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July 4, 2009